A blessing in many ways, but it also makes me want to scream loudly, I feel like I am exploding or coming undone & somehow like it, even though I hate it. This reminds of something that Paul talked about in the Bible without disclosing exactly what he was struggling with.
Something inside of me that feels normal, feels natural, could even be logically defensible, but that which I know is bad, wrong, probably illegal for time, a sin against God and my wife to even ponder such thinking, but I don't even know where it came from or why it bounces around in my head tormenting me.
I know it's not me, and don't like it, and hate it, but then again somehow it became part of my brain by protein synthesis, a powerful idea, a deep affective idea, hope for the future, an insanely intense collection of thoughts, something that pulls beneath the surface, there was a song about this, by Linkin Park. Its not evil, not from demons, not from Satan. It involves the appreciation of nature, natural beauty, but feels like a kind of idolatry because of how the aesthetic focus on supercars came out of nowhere.
There you have, super ultra-low volume rare expensive high performance composite cars with amazing drivetrain technology that cost a fortune to buy and even more to own and operate legally, not at all practical, possible the pinnacle of materialistic excess. So, I am just as bad as any arrogant billionaire who buys one and enjoys it, since such lives in my heart, to pursue excellence in automobiles. To this end the Lexus LFA the finest vehicle ever made!
There are aspects of my 2022 Corolla Hybrid that are superior as a daily road vehicle. I have to leave it at this, even though there is a entire other thought thread of want that is similar but unspeakable. Proving even as a man of God I am still a deeply flawed hypocrite sinner desperately in need of sanctification through repentance. I am deeply afraid that If I died in an accident in the near future God would say "Go away, I did not know you" because of how crooked I am on the inside. I told my pastors wife about this and she told me roughly what follows.
My pastor's wife Dana tells me "Aaron most people have off color or bad thoughts, and sometimes they even like those thoughts, like your saying, but you never have to give into acting them out, and besides by rejecting them as false imaginations, you become stronger at obedience to God and he recognizes the struggle you have and even understand your struggle more than anyone else for he understands everything, but rewards people who reject unclean thoughts, and it's probably such that you like so many other Christians will put into the outer darkness, but not sent to hell, because you proclaim Christ Jesus as your Lord and Savior will like them achieve Salvation and who choose to try best to Love God in heart, such that God knows this, and will just put you on the sidelines when Christ returns with all the Saints and those who did his will to rule over the Earth for a thousand years" see the book of Revelation in the Bible for the reference. That quotation is an expansion and adaptation of what was actually said since I am unable to quote her from memory exactly, so, in my long form description I tried to communicate the main ideas she said in my own words.
Ok so I also get hit on by women that are 25 to 33 years old, who are single mothers because the husband left randomly, and they notice I am "Cute, smart, friendly, and interesting" after hearing me talk with other faculty and staff members, then I hear through the grape vine so & so was wondering if you wanted to hang out or going a date or she can cook you dinner or something like that. I tell all these ladies who show interest in me about my lovely wife would take deep offense to a home wrecker trying to win over my affection to cause me to file divorce with my wife, which I will never do, since no one is able to offer me anything that would cause me to give up on Meg who has repeatedly saved my life & to whom I have been luck enough to save her life multiple times & I know she needs me around to have a happy life & I would never betray her. Now, if Meg leaves me or chooses to divorce me for some reason, and I ended up single, then maybe, I might, probably not, ever data woman with children. That would be totally unfair to me since I do not & have never had children. Meg & I are DINKS as in dual income and no kids, only a kitty or house cat, which Meg' treats like a special needs child by being incredibly supportive of our elderly kitty.
Finding a high-quality wife where I live in Washington State, USA, King County, as in intelligent, loyal, honest, fair, reasonable, not materialistic, not vain, not silly or wasteful, who loves animals, who loves me, who is generous and kind and loving, who wants a traditional Christian family order at home according to Biblical teaching about proper family order. This list of attributes so extensive that I did even believe such a person exited in King County like this, but that is because Meg is from central Oregon where real Americans not these deranged woke liberal nut cases, happen to be into guns, God, family & real loving inclusivity of all people, not woke hate speech censorship and one party government control idea of the radical woke left extremists. Smaller, smarter, relatively fit not fluffy also, able to hike me with or bike with me, almost athletic, into healthy home cooked meals, who does not eat UPF items, who is into staying hydrated with a healthy sleep schedule. I am married to a miracle, a amazing beautiful, lovely loyal practical artistic frugal fantastic helper who constantly shows me loving kindness in all sorts of ways, making coming home to her a real joy and something I actually crave with fondness in her absence, looking forward to seeing her again, for with Meg I can be truly comfortable or myself & feel at ease. It takes me months of daily exposure and interaction with a new person to develop even a base level of comfort being my real self in private. That made dating a horrible mess for years before I met Meg when I was 27. My earlier 20's was a blur of drugs & crazy high speed dating that ended so many trial runs that I burned out and stopped trying to find anyone to be with, and that is about the same time that my former friend Jae tricked Meg & I into meeting at his place. I thought I was going over to make beer but Meg answered the door and the first out of her mouth was "Hey, have you heard of Kombucha?" causing a flashback to a PCC visit where I had first looked upon such a strange beverage wondering what kind of weird hippie chick would be into drink tea with fungus growing in it / lol but that proved that she was possible as bizarre and strange as me, around 6:30PM, we leave Jae's house and go to a "Bible Study" and Stuart & Mary Pennington's former home, but drove there in my car only to sit outside and end up talking all night. We actually saw people coming and going in the background though the front window but were so engrossed in a back-and-forth discussion that we both lost track of time, and the bible study had ended when we looked at the clock, 2 am, lol and we both had to work then next day. We stared dating officially in 2010, on June 16th, it was a hike to Rattle Snake Ridge, and apparently, I ranted and raved about political and technological issues with society, typical. One year later we went to this park in Seattle, and it was National Dump the Pump Day as in alternatives to driving vehicles that burn fuel sold at gas stations. We even got "Un driver's Licenses. We kept dating for 3 years and got married in 2013. At first we were more almost passive former Christians who had been burned by people from churches nearby and were not keen on reading the bible and watched Netflix and played video games during our downtime, at first in this tiny Studio Apartment on 112th in Downtown Bellevue, called Xcaliber that's painted green and purple. I had a proto liberal libertarian scientist skeptic worldview and Meg also bucked being brain washed by mainstream media because both of her father's told her in different ways when she was growing up how the government and media are a giant cluster of corruption and fake news & much worse. We are both highly skeptical of any news coverage since mega media has big corporate big budget woke NGU strings attached to promote the GLTBQ ...or 620 different personal identifiers. /
It can be hard to find good employees or loyal partners, as many people today are hopelessly selfish and have no interest in marriage or a godly order at home or morality and ethics, who habitually sin in different ways and who have a cold heart towards God and other people and animals and nature, who care only about money, status, comfort and fancy things, can you say glib zip code envy greedy & materialistic. Snobs and people who value money & gold above God & other people, who are guilt of idolatry & who are completely unfit to be a partner in love with me or Meg. We need a high-quality person to be with, for long term companionship, to grow old together with, and most people are not even close to the caliber that either of us would be compatible with.
They have to be pro-gun, pro God, prolife, pro real loving kindness, and literally do what the Word says in the Bible about proper Christian Conduct, an increasingly rare set of personality traits. I am a college educated cold blooded assassin trained and perfected in a USAP, warrior & defender of America, sworn by oath to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States of America from all enemies foreign or domestic.
Do you think Americans will be safer during World War Three WWIII if fewer are armed because of increasing left gun control laws enacted? If you do, your wrong. Criminals do not follow gun laws and procure guns illegally, in grey or black markets, paying with cash, including automatic with silencers, ghost guns made from parts or other.
No laws can make parents love their children or make children love their parents. Where did all the high-quality people go? Where did real men go? Why did we start trading with the CCP, the most unethical government in the world, why is currency inflation of the US dollar out of control and why is the US Federal National Debt climbing towards $37 trillion soon? How about more artificial flavors and colors in your food so you get cancer faster? How about more air pollution to subsidize the carbon energy industries profits by sacrificing public health to pay for it, did you know that pollution emissions are the biggest mass murderer in all of human history, that pollution is emitted on a grand and increasing scale today in ways that sicken and kill more people with preventable diseases and death than all other causes combined. Pollution is the world's most prolific mass murderer.
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